My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
