my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
