Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
