Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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