Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
