Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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