I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have aggressive nipples.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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