I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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