Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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