Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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