I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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