Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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