Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
