Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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