i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
