its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
