I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
