sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
