Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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