someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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