i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
