i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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