I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
