I just gift wrapped bread.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
