She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
