I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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