I will die if light touches me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
