if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
