win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
