when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
