I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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