bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
