Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
