there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
