please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
