In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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