I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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