Non-Jews are for practice
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
