Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
