My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
