ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
