A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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