anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
