I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
