I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
