Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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