all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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