Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
