Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
