I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
